When I was a little girl, I dreamed about what my life had in store for me. I had plenty of ideas. I also had plenty of time on my hands to think of them. I imagined myself owning a home with a three car garage filled with luxurious things, living in the suburbs, birthing several children, and being happy.
Why wouldn’t having those things delight me?
For awhile there, my spouse and I put all of our efforts to achieve those dreams. We moved to the suburbs, commuted to and from work, and lived in a house with a garage to store all of our ‘stuff’. ’Stuff’ = expensive crap we bought to fill an emotional void.
We welcomed a little girl into our family. She has been the most awesome, life changing gift imaginable but we still were not content.
A large part of the discontent was obviously that my partner was not living her truth as a man before transitioning – but I was not living my truth either.
As a couple, we went through the motions of life: loving each other without being totally vulnerable. We mastered keeping secrets and holding resentment.
I feel like we would have continued like this, unhappy and mistrustful, forever. Thankfully, my wife had the courage to share her truth with me and it empowered me to do the same with myself. Acting like our authentic selves allowed us love each other more deeply than ever before.
I don’t want to own a house because I am lazy. The idea of maintaining a big home is intimidating and exhausting. I would rather rent and call a landlord when the dishwasher is broken instead of fixing it myself.
I never want to own enough vehicles to fill a three car garage. Who cares if we have to carpool or ride the bus every once in awhile. I would rather go on vacation.
I don’t care for living in the suburbs. Sure they’re quiet but living in them can feel isolating and I miss the metropolitan vibe.
I can’t imagine myself having tons of children. After having one, I know my emotional and physical limits enough to admit that a large family is not for me.
I flip flop between trying to be the woman I dreamed and being my authentic self.
I enjoy being different and honest about living my truth.